Fic: LOVERS UN-WALK

[moscow_watcher]

Pairing: Angel/Spike
Genre: Angst with a twist
Rating: R
Summary: Soon after the events of Lovers Walk Angel had met Spike in LA... At least Spike thinks so.
Word Count: 1374
A/N: This is my first attempt at slash. Written for grazieprego Spangel ficathon. Much thanks to lynnenne who encouraged me, helped with plot and characters' voices, fixed my errors. Without her support I wouldn't dare to write Spangel! Thank you for organizing the event, Lynne!
Disclaimer: Joss owns the boys. I just play with them.



"I can't understand. They're so different."

Angel cast a furtive glance at Buffy who stared absently at the ocean as they were driving along the Route 101 in the night. "A hundred years together is a tough bond to break..." Off Buffy's bewildered gaze he murmured: "We're talking about Spike and Dru, aren't we?"

"Actually I was talking about dad and Dawn."

"Oh."

Angel focused on the road again. The top of the convertible down, wind rushing by, the distant sound of waves, Buffy's closeness - for a moment, it felt like freedom. But of course it wasn't. It was just a brief trip to Hank's place to retrieve Buffy's sister.

After Spike's ill-fated visit to Sunnydale Buffy told Angel she wouldn't be coming back and he accepted it. But this was an emergency. Joyce left for New-York on gallery business, Buffy and Dawn had a bitter quarrel and Dawn ran away to her father in Los-Angeles.

"I can't understand why she went to him. Not that they have much in common. Dawn's so wild and dad's so organized. Dawn's so noisy and annoying and dad's always so calm and imperturbable."

Angel shrugged. "Sometimes opposites attract."

Buffy smiled sadly. "Is it good if they do? Some of them shouldn't. Like, vampires and slayers." She hugged herself and Angel quickly raised the top of his car. "It's wrong that opposites attract and similarities alienate. Similarities should attract, right? Right. Then why two people who have a lot in common rub each other the wrong way?"

"I don't have anything in common with Spike - except that we're both vampires and..."

Buffy looked at him funny.

"I mean - me and Faith. Apparently, cats aren't herd animals..." She hesitated, then said in a small voice: "If you want to talk about Spike..."

Angel carefully drove around a bump on the road. "I don't want to talk about Spike."

Buffy frowned and fell silent.

When they arrived at Hank's, Angel refused to go in. While Buffy and Dawn were settling matters he decided to patrol the neighborhood. He dusted several vamps, destroyed the lair of chaos demons and was about to return when he smelled a familiar scent. The trace led him to a sleazy demon bar where he discovered drunken Spike nursing a glass of burbon, perfecting his art of looking wicked.

As soon as Spike noticed Angel, he smirked cockily.

"Missed me, Peaches?"

"One can always dream," Angel said darkly.

"That true? Then why are you here?"

"I had to drive Buffy to her father. She came for Dawn." Not that he needed to explain himself to Spike, damn him.

"What? Nibblet run away? Good for her! Splitting from the company of losers..."

"None of your business, Spike. It's family stuff."

Spike flashed a "come-and-get-me" smirk.

"Right. Family stuff. Like you and me."

Angel felt his cock twitching. "Let's take a walk."

In the alley Spike sniffed him, laughed contemptuously and handed him a flask.

"You need to unwind. Seriously, man. She'll destroy you the way she destroys me."

Angel frowned.

"Why would Dru destroy me?"

Spike crinkled his brow.

"What's Dru got to do with it? I'm talking about your bloody Slayer. Dru said I was all covered with her. Dru was looking at me and all she saw was your Slayer, floating all around me, laughing...."

Angel felt a growl beginning in his chest. "Stay the hell away from Buffy, Spike! Do you understand me?"

He turned away. Maybe it wasn't wise to expose his back to Spike but he couldn't face him. Because Dru always knew. She cried and refused to go to the village where they met the gypsy clan. She dressed up and did her hair that night when they ran into the Immortal in Rome. She picked up Spike out of a million young idiots. She knew.

Angel's outburst made Spike giggle. Sonofabitch.

"Come on, Peaches, tell me about that cute blonde Slayer of yours. I always suspected that the only thing better than killing a Slayer was fucking her..."

"Shut up."

"She should be quite a little passionate thing..."

"I said shut up!" He punctuated his words with a punch it Spike's jaw.

"God, Angel, how much sexual tension is crammed up your arse!" Spike giggled helplessly as he tried to stand up. "Not a single lay all these years?"

"Shut up," Angel whispered. With a growl he grabbed Spike, pushed him up against the wall and claimed his mouth, bitter with desperation, anger and jealousy. The salt on his lips awakened his memories about young William, and the dam broke. Suddenly Spike's hands were unbuckling his belt and soon, all control lost, Angel pounded into him, hard, in vain attempt to quench the unquenchable lust. Spike laughed and wept and cussed but nothing mattered now, at the edge of oblivion...

******

"...The white-haired vampire told me you have copulated," Illyria says. "I wish to know if he is a good lover."

"What?" Angel stares at her with bleary eyes.

"Spike and I - we both like when I cause him pain. I wonder if he will enjoy physical pleasure."

They are at Spike's basement apartment. The battle against Wolfram and Hart is a few hours away. Tomorrow they'll be dead and the last thing that matters is Spike's stupid fabrication. How very Spike, telling foolish lies just to annoy Angel...

"He told you we were lovers?" he asks, incredulous.

"He told me you were never intimate except one occasion," Illyria informs him. "He was reluctant to reveal details but I forced a confession out of him. He said it happened five years ago in a back alley between Broadway and Brooks Avenue."

Angel laughs mirthlessly. But of course. Spike doesn't know.

"It was just an illusion of intimacy," he says.

The moment the Orlon window broke he realized it. Buffy didn't have a row with Dawn, he didn't drive her to L.A., she never hugged him afterwards and didn't whisper "I don't know what I would have done if you wouldn't have been here for me".

It's one of those false memories monks inserted into their heads.

But Spike doesn't know, because the Orlon window affected only those who were around. Spike's false memories are intact - memories that include Dawn's escape from Sunnydale, Buffy and Angel's trip to Los Angeles, and their desperate, hungry sex.

"...just an illusion, Illyria - nothing more."

"All people are slaves of illusions." She cocks her head. "Spike told me you abhor that moment of intimacy. Is it true?"

He remembers. Remembers his cock buried between those rock-hard cheeks, ripping into Spike, filling his emptiness. Remembers his fangs tearing into Spike's throat, blood screaming in his ears, lacerating his conscience. Remembers the horror at the thought that it could be Buffy, thrashing, impaled deep on his cock, her life pouring down his throat. Remembers the whole universe dangerously throbbing between his legs until it exploded in rapture and guilt.

"I... I don't abhor," he murmurs.

"Then tell me."

"It was... sweet," he says reluctantly. "Spike is a... a very tender lover. Nobody is as tender as Spike. If you want to make him your lover you should be nice to him. He loves nice gals."

Illyria's stare is cold and impenetrable. Angel looks away. Could a nice Illyria, please, stand up? It would be unfair if she strangles Spike or tears his head off in the throes of passion on the eve of the final battle. Spike always wanted to go down fighting. He has to survive sex with God King of the Primordium.

Illyria shakes her head. "I don't understand. He loves women... gals - who are stronger than him."

"He does. But you know what's the best thing about strong people? Their softness. Kindness. Generosity of their spirit. That's why he loves them."

"He loved you for your softness, kindness and generosity of your spirit?" Illyria deadpans.

No, Angel thinks. He loved me in spite of not having any.

He sags in his chair. "Well, actually... Yes. I guess, yes. So - be kind to him, Illyria".

"You were kind and soft."

"Yes."

He sighs hopelessly. What difference does it really make? It's just a figment. Several non-existent minutes of 124 years, 7 months and 22 days they know each other.

Comments

[elisi]

Oh I like it. Very clever in lots of ways - the initial scene, with both vampires so lost and desperate; and then changing it through Angel's knowledge that is was never 'real', except he still remembers it, which makes it real even if it never happened (lovely echoes of Wes and Illyria at the end of Origin, and the questions of are we our memories?). And finally his concern for Spike, and how it shows his feelings.

(This is horribly mangled fb I'm afraid, but I'm running out the door. Lovely fic though that really made me think! Thank you!)

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

Thank you for lovely feedback! I was afraid that the Spuffy sector of my f-list will dislike the story because Spike isn't all about Buffy and Spangel shippers won't like it because Spike and Angel's moment of intimacy was just an illusion.

So, your comment is very much appreciated. I know that you love both Spuffy and Spangel - so, if you enjoyed the story, then the story is OK. *hugs*

Can't keep from asking about the next chapter of My Immortal...

[elisi]

So, your comment is very much appreciated. I know that you love both Spuffy and Spangel - so, if you enjoyed the story, then the story is OK.
I'm very flattered to be used as a test-subject, as it were! :) But it *is* a clever fic, and I hope you get lots more readers! *hugs back*

Can't keep from asking about the next chapter of My Immortal...
As my latest post says, I shall vanish, and then hopefully return with something at a later date! I just need to CONCENTRATE! *kicks self*

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

I shall vanish, and then hopefully return with something at a later date!

*salivates*

[rahirah]

Very interesting twist!

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

Thank you!
Joss' creative brainwashing of his characters gives us a lot of opportunites... :)

[brunettepet.livejournal.com]

The integration of fake Dawn memories into the fabric of reality has a lot of possibilities and this one is especially intriguing. This false memory colors Spike and Angel's relationship, and I love that even though Angel knows it's false he still wants better for Spike. Asking Illyria to be soft and kind and his "I... I don't abhor" reeks of regret for an intimate act that never happened. Nice job.

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

The integration of fake Dawn memories into the fabric of reality has a lot of possibilities and this one is especially intriguing.

Oh - isn't it? Right now nobody but Angel can remember the actual events of seasons 1-4 the way we saw them onscreen. What a wealth of options to explore!

I love that even though Angel knows it's false he still wants better for Spike.

But, of course, Angel will never admit it to Spike!
Sometimes I want to slap Angel for being so cruel to Spike in the beginning of season 5. Then I remember how much trouble Spike caused him off-screen and calm down. :))

Asking Illyria to be soft and kind and his "I... I don't abhor" reeks of regret for an intimate act that never happened.

I'm glad it worked for you. I wasn't sure I could pull it off. Thank you for feedback!

[elisi]

::has found a few minutes and jumps in::

Sometimes I want to slap Angel for being so cruel to Spike in the beginning of season 5. Then I remember how much trouble Spike caused him off-screen and calm down. :))
The thing to remember about that time is that for Angel it really isn't about Spike as such - Angel's behavior is all to do with his own issues, and of course the fact that Spike is a) incredibly good at pinpointing these, and b) a walking reminder of what Angel once was (clear-cut hero) and what he did ("You made me a monster!"). Ergo, he lashes out.

I'm glad it worked for you. I wasn't sure I could pull it off.
You pulled it off beautifully!

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

The thing to remember about that time is that for Angel it really isn't about Spike as such - Angel's behavior is all to do with his own issues, and of course the fact that Spike is a) incredibly good at pinpointing these, and b) a walking reminder of what Angel once was (clear-cut hero) and what he did ("You made me a monster!"). Ergo, he lashes out.

Oh, sure. So many issues. Memories of Spike torturing him. Memories of himself torturing Spike. Jealosy of Buffy. Frustrations about his current situation in W&H.

It has never been simple between these two... :)

You pulled it off beautifully!

Thank you again! *smoochies*

[hello-spikey.livejournal.com]

Oh lovely!

First off I adore the opening bit with Buffy in the car - how Buffy and Angel aren't quite on the same page, conversationally. Angel obviously has Spike-on-the-brain.

:D

And of course false Dawn-memory fic is a kink of mine. It feels genuine - this is something that would have happened, had dawn existed back then.

And oooo hot passionate jumped-in-an-alley sex!!

And then the Illyria! Darling, you are just marching straight down a list of my favorite things - Angel's conversation with Illyria, and his self-knowledge, and the implications of all of it - beautiful.

:D

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

Angel obviously has Spike-on-the-brain

Hasn't he? :)))

And of course false Dawn-memory fic is a kink of mine.

I adore such type of twists! And when I realized that Orlon window restores *all* altered memories, it struck me that Angel is the only person who remembers Dawn-less seasons 1-4.

Darling, you are just marching straight down a list of my favorite things

*blushes* Aww, thank you!

I have to make a terrible confession: I like writing Illyria because of her weird speech patterns. I'm aware that I often make stylistical errors and I obsess over every line. But I can write Illyria's lines clumsily and bombastically and get away with it. :)

[angearia.livejournal.com]

I'd never thought of how Angel would have faux-Dawn memories that the Orlon window breaking would have displaced. Love that twist. :)

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

Thanks! :)
It took me a while to figure out that the Orlon window wasn't a mojo created specifically to restore the memories about Connor, but was a "regular" device for memory restoration.

[ash-carpenter.livejournal.com]

This is intriguing and kind of beautiful, in a heart-achey way. Angel and Buffy's conversation is delightfully stilted - and I can imagine that often they might have been thinking of different things, especially due to Angel's long years and habit for reflection and introspection.

Angel's conversation with Illyria rings true for both of them, and it must be so odd for him that such a moment as that feels real and wasn't. I like that he tried to do right by Spike and somehow revealed his feelings for him, even if it was only to Illyria. He also proved that he knows Spike.

'Tis indeed an interesting twist about the orb...However, by that token, surely Willow would remember the first 4 seasons? She met Connor so presumably her altered memories were restored too...? *muses*

Anyway, great little fic!

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

Angel and Buffy's conversation is delightfully stilted - and I can imagine that often they might have been thinking of different things, especially due to Angel's long years and habit for reflection and introspection.

I think Spike's visit to Sunnydale awakened many painful memories for Angel. He spent 100 years in hell, came back and immediately was forced to face his past again.

I like that he tried to do right by Spike and somehow revealed his feelings for him, even if it was only to Illyria.

*pets poor Angel*

He also proved that he knows Spike.

I think he isn't sure but he suspects that Spike may be a tender and sweet lover. Then again, he could say it to make sure that Illyria won't tear him to pieces. I like that Angel's words can be interpreted differently. Yes, his thoughts seem to be pragmatic - he doesn't want to lose a fighter on the eve of the battle. But, subconsciously or not, he wants to give Spike what the latter wants: a chance to die in a battle.

'Tis indeed an interesting twist about the orb...However, by that token, surely Willow would remember the first 4 seasons? She met Connor so presumably her altered memories were restored too...? *muses*

From the episode Origin: "If it [the Orlon window] were to break around someone whose mind had been altered, then all his old memories would come rushing back."

So, I guess, all Angel's old memories have returned. Wesley also was around the Orlon window so he should remember season 3 of BtVS the way it actually happened, without Dawn. But Willow wasn't around the Orlon window, so her false memories were kept intact.

Actually, it's a very interesting issue. Could an Orlon window restore Buffy's memories of the lost day in IWRY? Could it restore Scoobies' memories in Tabula Rasa? *ponders*

(obsessed? moi? :)))

[(Anonymous)]

well, I enjoyed your story. I enjoyed reading thru the intelligent thoughtful comments. I can not express anything as well so my I ride on the above comments with something like "ditto". thanks

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[flake-sake.livejournal.com]

Loved that! it has so many interessting brain twists that the monks would include fictive Spangel sex into their memories.

And I adore the ending with Angel telling Illyria that Spike likes it tender. Just awww.

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

Loved that! it has so many interessting brain twists that the monks would include fictive Spangel sex into their memories.

Monks tried to distract Angel for several hours to give Buffy the illusion of a prolonged sister bonding with Dawn. :-)

And I adore the ending with Angel telling Illyria that Spike likes it tender. Just awww.

Thank you! I wanted a somewhat ironic twist on Angel's attempts at helping Spike and him being forced to lie and squirm.

[lynnenne]

Thanks for writing this! :)

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

Thank you again for your help, Lynne! Writing Spangel was a very interesting experience. For the first time I felt that this couple is as complex and multi-layered as Spuffy. I mean - I knew it, I realized it before writing this story, but now I feel it. Almost physically. I feel how complex and controversial their relationship is.

I'm looking forward to reading other entries in grazieprego !

[shapinglight]

That was interesting, Moscow. I've never read a fic with quite this premise. Poor Angel! It really sucks being the only one who remembers - though memory and truth, always mutable.

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Deb! I have to confess that I was expecting your feedback with certain trepidation. I admire your stories and your opinion mean a lot. I'm glad you found the twist interesting.

I've never read a fic with quite this premise

It clicked after the latest issue of After the Fall. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Now when the events of AtF are "undone", do they count at all? They are nothing but memories.

[shapinglight]

Now when the events of AtF are "undone", do they count at all? They are nothing but memories.

I guess they do count, as in this case they're shared memories, not like Angel's lost day in IWRY. That is, until the citizens of Los Angeles persuade themselves they were suffering from some kind of collective delusion.

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

I guess they do count, as in this case they're shared memories, not like Angel's lost day in IWRY.

Just to play devil's advocate - imagine Angel and the BtVS team talking about events of earlier seasons. Scoobies have shared memories (each ficwriter has his/her own version ot their memories) yet only Angel remembers the canonical version.

Of course, Scoobies know that their memories are false but they don't remember what happened in reality. It could be quite a fic, BtVS team asking Angel what "really" happened in season 2 and Angel squirming and dodging uncomfortable questions. :)))

[shapinglight]

Oh yes! That's great idea! You should write it, Moscow.

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

"But I really signalled you with my eyes, Buffy... I'm sure I did... at least that's what I think I did..." :))))

[shapinglight]

Hee!

[rebcake.livejournal.com]

Wow!

Like hello_spikey says, you hit on a whole bunch of my favorite things, and did it beautifully. I especially was struck by this:

Dru always knew. She cried and refused to go to the village where they met the gypsy clan. She dressed up and did her hair that night when they ran into the Immortal in Rome. She picked up Spike out of a million young idiots. She knew.

This sort of secondhand foreknowledge must've driven Angel crazy. Which, I guess, it did, if you think nailing Spike in an alley is insane. I personally think that particular point is arguable. Heh.

Anyway: sweet Buffy and Angel angst, posturing Spike, inquisitive Illyria. Nummy.

This was brilliant:

"He loved you for your softness, kindness and generosity of your spirit?" Illyria deadpans.

Take that, your broodiness!

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

Dru always knew. She cried and refused to go to the village where they met the gypsy clan. She dressed up and did her hair that night when they ran into the Immortal in Rome. She picked up Spike out of a million young idiots. She knew.

This sort of secondhand foreknowledge must've driven Angel crazy.

I was always intrigued by Dru. The way Joss wrote her in School Hard we can explain her behavior as a foreknowledge of future Spuffy. Dru says she can't see the slayer but she looks shocked and sad. She immediately asks Spike to kill Buffy. In a hindsight, it's easy to imagine that Dru saw Buffy "floating all around Spike, laughing". Of course, Dru was horrified. She couldn't bring herself to tell Spike the truth, so she lied to him that she can't see the slayer.

Which, I guess, it did, if you think nailing Spike in an alley is insane. I personally think that particular point is arguable. Heh.

I think that after 100 years in hell Angel could do it. But I'm not sure. Then again, I'm not a *real* slasher. I'm a Spuffy girl and a little soft spol for Bangel, and, as much as I love pretty boys, I prefer them either snarking or bonding.

Take that, your broodiness!

Hee! Sometimes Angel is so clueless! :)

[stretfordditto.livejournal.com]

Fabulous.

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

Your avi is priceless! :)))

[stretfordditto.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :) Spikeshunny made it.

[zoesmith.livejournal.com]

Oh Oh I really really liked this one! Great characterizations and great plot. It's just so sad that this didn't really happen. That was very clever by the way.

Such a great and powerful story! Thank you!

"...The white-haired vampire told me you have copulated," Illyria says. "I wish to know if he is a good lover."
Gotta love Illyria :)

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

It's just so sad that this didn't really happen.

I agree. But who knows what Angel and Spike remember about earlier seasons after the monks' brainwashing? :)

And, since Joss hadn't elaborated, boys' memories belong to us now - as well as their bodies! :)

[acacia5.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I enjoyed this. It is such an interesting idea. It had never occured to me that Angel would have different memories to the others.

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I'm glad it worked.

It had never occured to me that Angel would have different memories to the others.

It occured to me only recently when I re-watched the Connor episode and realized that the mojo restored *all* altered memories.

[adso-von-melk.livejournal.com]

wonderful fic, very sad. Love the ending. :)

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm glad the story worked for you.

[riccadonna.livejournal.com]

I liked this very much! You put us in front of what seems like another alternate reality and then the discovery that it's a trick makes perfect sense, and it's very intriguing.
I especially liked your Angel, when even in the distorted memory he fails to follow other people's thoughts because he's always focused on his own pursuit, always planning and trying to be in control, but also in the same way he tries to protect poor Spike from Illyria's worrisome attentions.
Very surprising and touching.

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

I'm glad that the twist works. I tried hard to capture Angel's adorable and maddening qualities - he's always trying to do what he thinks is the best and is always ending up either in an embarassing situation or in a desperate one. (In "my" case - mostly embarassing). As much as I love the guy, I understand Joss' tendency to torture him. He broods so beautifully! :)))

[greenstone-j.livejournal.com]

A very enjoyable story... hot and twisty. Of course it would drive me insane if I was Angel trying to work out how much credence to give it... I mean if you remember it (even if you know it was a false memory), doesn't that mean it is part of your life...? and as far as I can see the only way to solve it is for Angel to take Spike roughly in an alley again...*evil grin* No, not insane troll logic - spangel shipper logic LOL.

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

I can see the only way to solve it is for Angel to take Spike roughly in an alley again...

Wow. What a great plotbunny! Angel taking Spike to a place, where (as Spike remembers) they had sex; a lot of awkwardness; Spike thinking that Angel wants to repeat the experience; Angel truying to turn a mind trick into a reality...

Thank you for the feedback and the idea. :)

And - your avi is priceless! I can't stop staring at it...